“He’s coming!” hissed the Linseygraham. “Quick! Everyone, hide! And wait for my signal.”
A dozen dinos scurried for cover in the Oval Dwelling behind large rocks and piles of discarded Cheezbuggabuggas and soggy Dietcoker leaves.
The Tyrumposaurus sauntered into the cave humming some raunchy Pornodactyl dance number. He stopped in his tracks.
“Linsey? What are you doing here?”
“T-Rump. It’s time.”
“Time for what?”
The Linseygraham gulped. How did you tell the most powerful dinosaur in the world that he needed an intervention? Like two Skunkasaurae making love. Very carefully.
“Uh, time I paid you a visit to point out … not only that you’re very calm and an extremely stable genius … but that what the Donkeykongrus are doing to you … well, they’re just trying to destroy you and your family.”
“They are, aren’t they? Well, me anyway.”
“And I’m concerned about the terrible toll it’s taking on you and the, uh … affect …”
“Nothing affects me.”
“Okay then. The, uh … ominous outgrowth of …”
“Linsey, my bone spurs are just a ruse.”
“But the Nancypelosi isn’t.”
The T-Rump’s double-blink and triple-flinch wasn’t lost on the Linseygraham. He had work to do. Lots of it. There were too many fine careers of good ol’ Grandoldparty dinos riding on this.
“I hate that woman,” growled the T-Rump.
“Send in the clowns,” Linsey remarked. “Foreign clowns.” Foreign was such a tough cue to work in on the fly. “I said foreign.”
The Larrykudlow finally ventured out from behind a rock.
“Larry?” said the T-Rump. “You’ve been here the whole time?”
“Just wrestling with another Tarrifraptor. You’ve given me so many. Yet you remain so very calm because you are the extremely stable genius here, there, everywhere. If I may digress from your loftiness …”
This was going to be a long intervention, thought the Linseygraham. His frantic eyes told the Larrykudlow to move it along.
“Foreign, yes. Your foreign trips, T-Rump.”
“Japa-yama-haha and Europa?”
“You remembered. Nicely done. But I’m sorry, you see, we — that is, Linsey and I — we need you to stay right here in the Milkanhoney Preservation, to tend to the home fires of course.”
“But we don’t make fires.”
“We don’t know how to do a lot of things but we’ll learn. From you, our extremely stable genius.”
“It is to legislate,” came the crisp cry from the Linseygraham.
“Not now,” said the T-Rump. “Can’t you see I’m on executive time?”
The Mercedeschlapp appeared.
“Impeccable timing, Mercedes,” said the T-Rump with a sly smile.
“Oh, T-Rump, it’s so good to see how very calm you are and I’m sure you’re still the extremely stable genius you’ve always been because, well … you of all dinos should know there are dinos on the other side of the path that can indeed legislate and investigate at the very same time. I mean, we can’t stop everything.”
“Oh, yes we can. Do. Nothing.”
“You’re doing my job for me,” said the Linseygraham. No dino appeared. The Linseygraham raised his voice. “What he said.”
Out popped the Huckabeecyclops.
“Oh, T-Rump, you beat-back-the-ladies dino. You’re so calm even when I know you want to reach out and smack me. You’re the extremely stable genius I can’t take my one eye off of. It’s a big, big, bigly eye looking out for you.”
“Huckabee!” snapped the Linseygraham.
The T-Rump nodded to her.
“Huckabee, tell everyone here that the Donkeykongrus cannot walk and chew gum at the same time.”
“Oh, but they can. But that’s not the real reason I’m here.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
She gave him a sorrowful, tug-on-the-heart-strings, pitiful look of despair.
“So? That’s what I’m paying you for.”
She looked at the Linseygraham and then back to her boss.
“I – I need to make you believe. The Donkeykongrus are not the Do Nothing Party. We are. The Donkeykongrus are getting everything done while we just … squat here.”
A scowl spread across the T-Rump’s lips.
“It’s enough to make you say the ‘I’ word,” said the Linseygraham.
“Aha!” said the T-Rump. This is an intervention, isn’t it?”
“No, this is a campaign rally stop. With only your closest sycophants.”
The Kellyanneconvixway appeared.
“Oh, esteemed calm leader of most extreme stable geniusness. That’s my alternative fact of the day. I made it up just for you because you and I both know it drives my husband crazy.”
“You want it, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. Who wouldn’t?”
“The ‘I’ word, that is.”
“Impeachment, you dirty old dino. And please tell me you don’t want to be impeached because I want to lead you in your next campaign. Please, please, please.”
“That next campaign could mean war,” said the Linseygraham.
The Mikepompeo and Johnbolton promptly rolled on the ground across the cave in a dino brawl with short arms grappling and tails flapping, churning up clouds of dust.
“Very calm!” the Mikepompeo yelled between blows.
“Extremely stable genius!” hollered the Johnbolton.
Out the doorway the two dinos rolled without another intervening word.
“Ha,” said the Linseygraham, “Look on the bright side. No investigation there.”
The Seanhannity bounced onto the scene.
“T-Rump, ol’ calm buddy, ol’ extremely stable genius pal. Good to see you. Hey, I just wanted to say that, uh … well, you know those investigations into your moolah-moolah at the Mazars and on the banks of the River Deutsche? Well, uh … those investigations, they, um … appear to be moving right along. Boom, tickety boom. Just saying. It’ll get worse, so feel free to call me.”
“But Lordy,” said the Linseygraham, “give us hope.”
“Hope?” said the T-Rump. “Oh, god, let it be the Hopehicksbagotrix.”
Blank stares from the female dinos. But it was another dino who emerged into view.
“Lewandowski?” said the mildly perturbed T-Rump.
“Good to see how calm you’ve remained since birth with your extremely stable genius still as stable as the rock that’s as dumb as the Saveyourenergyrex. I’m here … well, I’m here to let you know that I too was after Hope once, and then the Robporter was and now, well, it’s the Donkeykongrus turn. But it’s not what you think. So, don’t worry. You’ll get over it. … Okay, so I still think of her from time to time. That dazzling smile …”
The Linseygraham could see it was time to play his trump card on the T-Rump.
“My, my, this has been a torture test, hasn’t it?”
All heads turned a wary eye to the next dino to arrive on the scene.
“You’re calmer than an upside down pig in mud’n manure and you’re so extreme, so stable, so genius that I feel like a dog-eared country bumpkin squattin’ here in front of you. With that in mind, T-Rump, I want you to know that I’ve always been one to take one for the team.”
“Great, Hogan. That’s just great.”
“T-Rump,” interrupted the Linseygraham. “Now, I’ll admit I called in Hogan because you’ve been, uh … just a wee bit, shall we say … stressed … lately? Hogan will help you release that pent up frustration. Won’t you, Hogan?”
“I sure will. Cuz I’m your whippin’ dino, boss.”
“Oh, I would never whip you, Hogan. Not in a million years.”
We’ll see about that, thought the Linseygraham.
“Okay,” said the Hogangidley. “Here goes. You engaged in a cover up, threw a temper tantrum and hoo-boy, I pray for you.”
He then mercifully closed his eyes as the T-Rump’s eyes went bright red and proverbial smoke erupted from his ears. Tail lash after tail lash rained down on the poor, defenseless Hogangidley.
“Ouch! Thank you, thank you … Ow! That’s better … Ouch! Thank you, thank you …”
While the other dinos turned away from the dino debacle, the Linseygraham could only frown. A T-Rump intervention. Worst idea ever. He sighed, wondering to himself. Why won’t some dino — any dino — schedule an intervention for me?