The Lowering of the Williambarr

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Several burly Constablebobbies from the Piccadilly Circle dragged the Julianassange out of his Ecuadorian-by-the-Sea cave. The main keeper of the Wikileakibeak had been holed up there for seven long years and was not going quietly.

“Get your paws off me! Do you know who I am? My real name is Herman. I’m with the Hermits. I think I’m into something good here! Really!”

He dug his heels harder into the ground.

“That poop on the wall? It’s my cat. He’s a monster!”

More struggling as they dragged him away.

“Next you’re going to tell me it’s a Russodino-Wikilealibeak-T-Rump conspiracy. Oops. Did I just say that out loud?”

Meanwhile, several dino treks and a short-haul Trollertweety flight away, the Tyrumposaurus and his sneering sycophant, the Stephenmillerus, sat with the T-Rump’s latest confirmed yes-dino, the Williambarr. The Stephenmillerus nodded to the attorney dino general.

“He’s paying big dividends, isn’t he, boss?”

“You bet,” said the T-Rump, clapping tails with the Williambarr. “I never read your 19 footprints in the sand audition, but thank goodness Stephen here did. I, uh … also didn’t read your four-footprint summary-non-summary, but again it was Stephen to the rescue. So happy you could save the day.”

“Why, thank you,” said the smug Stephenmillerus.

“Not you, I was talking to Bill.”

“Oh.”

The Stephenmillerus extended his jaw out a foot, then retracted it. It was a nervous tick that appeared whenever he was even mildly embarrassed. A reflex instinct the T-Rump never failed to mock.

“Lockjaw would be sad. Better for you to stay unhinged.” He grinned at his joke and turned to his attorney general. “Bill, we’re getting great Mediacircustop play … I love shouting ‘total exoneration!’ from the hilltops. And then your redactions. Don’t forget all those different kinds of redactions.”

“Do you think four is enough? I can think of some more …”

“Why not?” said the Stephenmillerus. “You’re one of us now. Doing things on the fly. Like when they asked if you let any dino see the Muellersavus report. Your saying nothing said everything! They know you work for us. The top legal dino in the land. Can it get any better? And then it did!”

“Spying,” said the T-Rump. “Saying the Langleyops were spying. That was the best!”

The Stephenmillerus rubbed his hands together.

“The Nancypelosi said you’re going off the trails! Onward and downward! We’re taking down dino institutions!”

“Please, Stephen,” said the T-Rump, “I have dinos wanting to me put away. Bill, I want you to go after the Langleyops dinos who began this whole hoax. You can cut through their Crapanbullasaurus party line of ‘been there, done that’ excuses. I know you’ll do your best to stall and delay.”

More hand rubbing and a sneer from the Stephenmillerus.

“Driving the Donkeykongrus and the Mediacircustops crazy and diverting their attention from the other two dozen investigations. Genius.”

“I’m here to serve you,” the Williambarr said, kneeling to lick the T-Rump’s scaly orange feet.

“Excuse me, T-Rump?”

“What is it, Huckabee? Can’t you see I’m having my feet licked?”

“We’ve just received word that the Jullianassange of Wikileakibeak fame will be coming to the Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“Wikileakibeak? I love the Wikileakibeak! Saved our bacon during the battle. I thanked them 147 times and I’d thank them a thousand times more.

“They’ve been indicted.”

“Never heard of’em.”

“I also bring news about that Hobnoblobby dino, the Gregcraig? He’s been indicted for lying about hobnobbing and being paid 4 million moolah-moolah leaves.”

“Hobnobbing for 4 million. Right. I respect a good Hobnoblobby dino. This just goes to show the Muellersavus and his 13 angry Donkeykongrus dinos cracking down again on us poor, defenseless dinos. They’re relentless. Sad. Very sad. The Gregcraig is a great dino who I’m proud to know. He can hobnob with me anytime. For 4 million. Why, I’d even take him home to meet my sister.”

“He’s a Donkeykongrus, T-Rump.”

“He’s a treasonous traitor!”

“Um … speaking of your sister …”

“Yes, my nearest and dearest. A fine woman. A judge even. Though you’d never know it to look at me. She’s as honest as the day is long and just told me yesterday she’d like to stay as a judge for another 10 years.”

“She just resigned to avoid a mytaxes returnus fraud investigation.”

“Oh no, I don’t have any sister.”

The T-Rump turned to the Williambarr.

“How low can you go, Bill?”

“Well, I’ll have to find a sister before I can get rid of her. Hmm. I guess I could do that.”

“Sure you can, Bill. Whatever I need. Or I don’t know you. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?”