Fight Night: Bieber vs Cruise; McGregor vs. Wahlberg – Tale of the Tape

justin bieber, tom cruise fight
After Justin Bieber laid down a challenge to Tom Cruise, MMA star Conor McGregor offered to host the fight... and fight Mark Wahlberg in the process! | Source: Shutterstock. Image Edited by HVY.

So Justin Bieber fancies himself against Tom Cruise – the man who makes impossible missions…possible; the man who convincingly played Jack Reacher despite being a foot and a half shorter than the titular character of Lee Child’s novels.

justin bieber fight tom cruise
Source: Twitter

Naturally, the prospects of the 56-year old Tom Cruise taking a break from saving the world in his Scientology spaceship to answer the millennial Bieber’s challenge seem slim.

That’s despite an official offer to host the bout by budding fight promoter, Conor McGregor. In the same breath, McGregor laid down a similar challenge to actor Mark Wahlberg – a high-profile shareholder in the UFC corporate empire.

First Fight of the Night: Justin Bieber vs. Tom Cruise – Tale of the Tape

Assuming the Bieber-Cruise bout went ahead, one might think the smart money would be on Bieber. After all, Tom Cruise harbors the unwanted title of being one of Hollywood’s premier short men. Not quite short enough to play Tyrion Lannister, but short.

However, a quick glance at the combatants’ Wikipedia profiles reveals Justin Bieber to be a mere 2 inches taller than Cruise. That evens the odds somewhat, and gives the stockier Cruise a strong base from which to work Bieber on the inside.

Photos from the Bieber camp have emerged which show the singer working the pads. The seasoned young lyricist looks a far cry from the fresh-faced young teen we saw busking with his guitar back in 2007.

But bear in mind folks, we’re talking about Ethan Hunt here. Over the years Cruise has learned a wide range of sacred techniques that can decide a man’s fate in mere seconds. And that’s just from Scientology! Apparently, Cruise trains martial arts too.

Like many crossover fights, this one would probably end up being a damp squib. Perhaps the highlight would be the obligatory interviews on the Joe Rogan Podcast afterward. “Tom, have you ever heard of coconut oil?”

Joint Main Event: Conor McGregor vs Mark Wahlberg

The Irishman’s promotion company, McGregor Sports and Entertainment, would win its biggest coup to date if the Bieber-Cruise fight went ahead. And knowing McGregor, he would no doubt place himself front and center in the main event.

That’s not just speculation – the MMA star publicly challenged Hollywood actor Mark Wahlberg to a fight, claiming he’d take back “his” shares in the UFC.

McGregor is referring to the fact that Wahlberg is a major shareholder in the UFC – shares which McGregor thinks should be his. The Irishman might even have a point – has anyone done more to boost the UFC brand than McGregor?

Regardless, this one’s a no-brainer folks. McGregor toys with Wahlberg for most of the first round before knocking him out with a left. The only upside for the fake Hollywood hard man is the money he’d make advertising Calvin Klein on his shorts.

That’s all folks! Now I hand you over to Joe Rogan…