The Bottom Line: Coronavirus, Coitus and You

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coronavirus
Image courtesy of Daily Mail UK/Screenshot



Here we go again!  The CDC or Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports “the coronavirus is spread mainly from person-to-person especially when people are in close contact with one another.”  I don’t care if the man is as well-endowed as your randy writer, no one can have sex six-feet apart.  So here we are . . .

Dating During Coronavirus: Looking for Love in all the (potentially) wrong places

It’s hard to play the field when the ballpark is closed. Spring Break in Florida notwithstanding, there’s more breeding going on between germs than singles these days. (Yeah, those kids in Florida are scared of tap water but won’t hesitate to stick their tongues up each other’s @sses.)

Women who have dated your rascally writer know he’s no stranger to analingus or doing anything with his tongue but he’s not afraid to suck on a garden hose either when it gets hot. He’s a firm believer in the ability of the incredible endorphin to bash bacteria.

Still, a strain of the virus that has hundreds of health experts scarily scrambling for a vaccine and urging assorted officials to shut down entire portions of their countries does give even your peppy penman cause for pause. Is there a case to be made for putting a halt to hot and heavy humping? Yours truly certainly suggests you at least not watch Contagion on your next Netflix and Chill date night.

Not that your oft’times shy and innocent white boy author ever utilizes it but even Tinder recently released a PSA about the coronavirus. Many oversexed app users are now focusing on how the virus has impacted their lust lives. Check out BuzzFeed News.
Perhaps as this new COVID-19 outbreak continues, single folks should consider their own dating habits and perhaps even consider the perhaps extreme possibility of purchasing up-to-date VR technology since that could perhaps be the one way in which to currently maintain a social life.

Dating A Person Who Couldn’t Care About Catching The Coronavirus

Your writing rapscallion confesses to having the attitude that many secretly hold: “If I’m gonna get it, I’m gonna get it.” Taking the proper precautions is good but be sure those you take are valid. (Hoarding is not on the list of proper precautions. Nor is wearing a table around you when you go shopping. It is stupid.)

If you discover yourself dating someone with this attitude then you need to be aware of the possibility that limiting him/her to chatting on the phone may not be a suitable substitute for being there. (If you have worked for a phone sex line or as an online cam girl you might have a shot at it but otherwise, it’s doubtful.) One thing is certain, the COVID-19 outbreak will certainly separate the true couples from the singles. You can only expect so much from someone you are only dating even in the best of times.

Dating A Person Who Might Be Exposed

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Image courtesy of Flipboard

Some of you ladies will start asking questions about employment before being concerned with the kind of car a guy drives. Suddenly guys who could care less what a lady does might actually be interested in what you have to say before seeing you naked, ladies… at least in terms of where you work anyway. Why?

Think about it. People who are concerned about coronavirus will want to know where you work because they want to know if you might have been or will be likely to be exposed to it. Yeah, suddenly being a doctor (or working at a hospital) is not a good thing.
According to a piece in the March 15th edition of the New York Times, healthcare workers have the highest risk of getting infected. Suddenly, one’s profession becomes one’s most dominant character trait. Ah, but there’s more!

Racism Or An “Abundance Of Caution”?

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Image courtesy of NextShark

Imagine yourself living in New York City or San Francisco and telling the person you are dating you are craving Chinese food. Your prospective mate warns you to stay out of Chinatown. Perhaps you think that’s borderline racist and are honest enough to say so. (Mind you, if a guy knows there’s a good chance he’s gonna get his d*ck sucked he could care less how racist you are and will not say a thing.)

The fact is that Chinatown is considered to be an area “for repatriated people coming back from China.” Thus, it’s a lot more likely that coronavirus or COVID-19 would probably be floating around there. Racist or an abundance of caution based on fact?

Dating A Person Who Is Immunocompromised

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Image ecourtesy of Daily Express

What happens when your dating has progressed to where you’re living with someone whose immune system is compromised, maybe someone with type 1 diabetes? If you’re living somewhere like the Lower East Side, chances are an endocrinologist may recommend moving out of New York City. He may note that it’d “be better to live somewhere more spread out than in such a congested area.”

What do you do if, unlike this couple mentioned in Baristanet, you cannot possibly manage to relocate to your partner’s parent’s place in New Jersey, where there’s more space? In this particular article, the endocrinologist not only approved of stocking up on insulin and glucose tabs but also stated “it was a personal decision” if the couple chose to separate. So don’t move in with anyone any time soon if their immune system is already compromised. If the worst should happen you will not only be without a partner but will have uprooted your entire life for nothing.

“Love Letters”

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Your pensive penman does not have all the answers. (He does often p*ss off the people who think they do when he proves them wrong.) The fact is, unlike the flu, too much remains unknown here.

Copious caution may beat out unconditional copulation for a while. Remember though, this is coronavirus not 9/11. The terrorists will not win simply because we decide to be a little less careless and thoughtless than usual.

As to dating? Who knows? A few folks have suggested that writing love letters might become fashionable again.

One online columnist even suggested seeking out someone on Hinge that floats your boat. Then rather than meeting at a club or the movie theatre, engage in the suggested social distancing and flirt via emails and text messages. You could even pour your heart out on paper. Ah, but don’t forget to wash your hands with hot soap and water before opening that snail mail letter!

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Courtesy of the original owner

If it’s any help, remember that showering afterwards is always a good idea and certain positions are better than others when it comes to preventing spreading the virus.

Hey, you can laugh or you can cry, right?

My name is Phoenix and . . . that’s the bottom line.