The Bottom Line: Rules for guys when in public

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Your randy writer has been a columnist for quite some time. In fact, on a now-defunct website, your passionate penman used to write a no nonsense column on common sense, dating and sexual health. Being a cunning linguist, and a master debater, it comes naturally.  

A column such as this one should not be necessary. Unfortunately, a decade or so of parents telling their demonic offspring that they are special and giving everyone a trophy and not holding one dumb@ss back in school regardless of how horrifically lacking in intelligence and common sense, here we are. So without further adieu, here are the rules for guys when in public.

Image courtesy of Tellitmore

 Public “Don’ts” For Guys

  • Don’t Urinate
  • Don’t Pick Your Nose
  • Don’t Scratch Your Balls
  • Don’t Scratch Or Pick Your Ass
  • Don’t Press One Nostril Closed With A Finger And Blow Snot Out Of The Other Nostril
  • Don’t Spit
  • Don’t Masturbate

 Allow me to address these one at a time.

First, don’t urinate.

Image Courtesy of UCONNSouthAfrica

As I have been trying to tell my son for the past couple of years, once your age hits double digits, whipping it out to pee on the rose bushes is NO LONGER cute!

Sure, back east on October 30th, “Mischief Night”, who hasn’t whipped out his wiener to whiz all over some nasty neighbor’s car?

Who hasn’t been at a college party and gone out on the fire escape with his buds to see who could p*ss the farthest?

Sure, who hasn’t gotten so drunk that he used an elevator or a park sandbox as a urinal?  (Who hasn’t been so drunk while using the elevator that they aimed at the door rather than the back of the elevator? We ALL have!  

OK, maybe only some of us have been that drunk.  Puddle-jumping is not fun when you’re drunk.  Uh, that is, so I have heard.

Michael Jackson picked his nose and look what happened to him!

Still, it is against the law so we really shouldn’t and (normally don’t) do it. Why someone insists on putting it on an official list I don’t know.

 Second, don’t pick your nose.

Wait! While I will not argue this I must insist that this be made a rule for women, too. Any time my “babymomma” doesn’t remember that being 100 pounds overweight isn’t enough of a turn-off, she will pick her nose in front of me. This will ensure that we won’t reprise the particular act that brought forth my talented and youngest man-child.

Ladies, there is only one thing in which you can stick a finger that we men find attractive and that particular orifice is a bit lower than your nostrils, okay? Once again, I don’t see the need for this to be a rule on the internet. Even people who pick their noses in their cars are learning that many people are too damn nosy and stupid to keep their eyes on the d@mn-@ss road while driving and therefore could spot them doing the nasty nostril digging.

Third, don’t scratch your balls.

Okay, God put yours up inside you, ladies so of course we men are going to be the only ones biologically and physically capable of this act. So that’s an easy nit to pick with men. However, considering the number of baseball players and pop stars you mothers let us have as so-called “role models” you really can’t blame us when we occasionally slip up and publicly scratch what itches, okay?

We generally know we shouldn’t when we do but sometimes we forget and emulate the above-mentioned role models and just plain scratch what itches. (As if a woman has never been caught on camera scratching her crotch!)

Mind you, I ‘ll admit that when we scratch our crotches in public we might cut down on the people who might actually be interested in dating us. No one wants to date someone with a fresh case of crotch rot. There are condoms but I’m “fixed” and have no desire to shower in a raincoat. We won’t even talk about oral sex with someone who has crotch rot–Yuck!

Fourth, don’t scratch or pick your @ss.


Okay, this is like the previous rule only seen from behind. Again, we generally know we shouldn’t when we do but sometimes we forget. Sometimes we feel we just have to scratch that itch or even fish our undies out of our @sscheeks.

Also again, this is NOT exclusively male. You ladies do it, too. Sometimes we ALL forget ourselves. I would say this rule is more important to women since we men look at YOUR asses all the time, right? Y’all never look at guys’ butts so it shouldn’t be as important, right? Uh-huh . . .

Fifth, don’t press one nostril closed with a finger and blow snot out of the other nostril.

I was fortunate enough to have never seen anyone do this until I was in college. I was in my Bicycling P.E. class and the guy ahead of me slowed down, leaned over a bit and blew his nose in this fashion. The snot and boogers hit the road and he never even came to a complete stop.

I’ve been lucky enough since then that I have never again witnessed that trick. Yes, it’s disgusting. However, I know women do this too.

I’ve not seen them do it in public but I have heard women do it in the shower. (Hey, that’s almost just as bad since I am going to be using that shower later to wash other feminine fluids off myself later!)

Sometimes it’s not good to take things into your own hands . . . especially if someone can see you!

Don’t spit.

Image courtesy of Newsmobile

My former boss, Cooke2cook, suggested the addition of this rule. She finds it disgusting when a man spits in front of her. This is not something I have seen a lot of except from moving vehicles. This is stupid since if the wind changes suddenly you end up having it on your vehicle or just plain in your face!

After seeing a specific scene from the movie “Angela’s Ashes” while learning something new about her website software I decided to add one more that really should go without saying:

Don’t masturbate.

What you do in the privacy of your own bedroom or at your own personal computer is your own business. Just don’t do this in public!  While the above-mentioned movie only shows guys I can assure you that this rule is actually good for both genders.

Face it, ladies, unless we can “give you a hand” (or some other body part) you are just being a tease, okay? While I know some women like to watch and listen they don’t admit it in public and it’s pretty much against the law, too.  Trust me, I had a friend back east at my hometown church and every time he saw a woman he just had to whip it out and show off.

I felt bad for his conservative Christian family because they had to bail him out of jail regularly.  Hey, why do ya think they call ’em “private parts”?  I felt bad for the guy.

I just couldn’t believe that women could hold so much power over him. It was both amazing and sad.  Mind you, I have done a lot of weird, kinky stuff for women I have boinked but he would whip it out and pay tribute to any vagina in view!

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Anyway, now that you’ve read some “don’ts” found online, here (with some editorial assistance from moi) is a list of “dos” courtesy of blogger, ErniesUrn, here are:  

“6 Things A Guy SHOULD Do In Front Of Other People (Especially Girls)”

6. Put hands in pockets

5. Discreetly check out the women

4. Stay sober and let your buddy get dead drunk

3. Once he IS dead drunk, become the hero and “save” him

2. Caress, hold cuddle your woman as often as possible

1. Smile!

Let’s review . . .

Put hands in pockets

Image courtesy of AskMen


According to Ernie, nothing says “sexy” more than a guy with his hands near his crotch. Women say they don’t check out our packages.


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“B*tch, please!” Some of you must work for UPS ’cause I’ve seen you checking out my “package”!

Then we have . . .

Discreetly check out the women

Image courtesy of FreeRepublic

Yes, it just would not do at all if all those scantily-clad women would know that their attempts to be major attention whores have succeeded. By all means be a bit more discreet than the women who show off more flesh than they should, okay?  But seriously, guys, be discreet.

Image courtesy of BroadBlogs

Again, gals check out guys, too.  Spare us the moral indignity.


Stay sober and let your buddy get dead drunk

Image courtesy of Poshmark

Once in a while, you might find it enjoyable to not be the “Instant-*sshole-Just-Add-Alcohol” Guy. Let your friend be that guy for a change and give your poor kidneys and surviving brain cells a break for once.

Trust me, boys, there’s something about NOT being a drunken asshole that really makes a woman wet.  Yeah, seriously.  Hard to believe, huh?  

I’m told that there is something special about guys who don’t stink of beer and can manage to communicate effectively without vomiting on their shoes that really, really turns a woman on big time!

Once he is dead drunk, become the hero and “save” him

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Ernie is younger than I am so he probably actually still has time to go out drinking. (The only time I generally have a drink or three anymore is while I am writing,  Can ya tell?)

Anyway, I figure Ernie has plenty of chances to pick his drunken buddy up off the floor, brush him off and drive him home. The only trouble is, all the time spent taking care of your drunk-@ss buddy is time that is postponing your gettin’ some.

Still, I guess if you and whatever woman you’re gonna get some from both have patience this could still work. (Personally, I would rather drive drunk girls home, ya know?  PC my @ss.)

Caress, hold or cuddle your woman as often as possible

PDA is good/Image courtesy of Loveaholics

Ernie suggests that guys “always do this in public”. He is correct when he says “almost 110% of the time cuddling is an expression women want men to display.” He also adds that a “smart man would cuddle” his woman “all the way home” so that she knows the guy loves her.

You have to allow an exception to every rule. Some girls don’t like clingy guys. You also want to be careful about trying to cuddle a woman all the way home. People really should use both hands to drive, ya know? (Maybe Ernie is still in college and he walks his dates home; I don’t know.) I think getting a woman back to her place in one piece is a really effective way of showing you care, no?

PDA on the way home can go too far!?/Image courtesy of IphoneCU


Image courtesy of Michael Sinkin DDS

Ernie says that a “Smile = Sexy”. I have to say in some cases, I totally agree! A so-called “perfect” person loses something when they stop smiling.

Whereas, someone who is not “perfect” can score points with a smile. A sincere smile brings you closer to perfection and that’s a good thing since people who need rules about how to behave in public are obviously far from perfect. 

My name is Phoenix and . . . that’s the bottom line.