As a man that has battled his depression on and off for too many years to count, he and I are great friends on occasion, and although I do in fact dislike and hate him most days, I would never endeavor to kick him out completely. Why you may think? Well it is him that has given me abilities that no other person without depression will ever truly know on the intimate basis that I do. While I will never in fact call him someone that I chose, he is the one that I pay allegiance to in the end.
You see, my dear readers, the sad truth is that my depression began around the age of 14, maybe before. Either way there has been too many years that have passed in which for me to forget the youth I once had and now focus on the future left ahead. I can tell you that it was not until I began to run away that me soon to be new friend decided to make his presence know. Now there are a ton of hallmark movies out there that show the idea of glamorous and happy endings. If there is anyone under the age of 18 thinking of running away let me just say those movies are the biggest load of shit you will ever see. Now let me talk to your parents a second, yes, I will wait…. Good stop letting your kids read my blog.
When I ran away, I am the luckiest, and most unlikely person you will ever meet, not because good and bad things alike happen, but rather they seem to both happen at once. I remember that when I got there I tried to get a room at a strip club that doubled as a hotel, in the process and all the problems I met a guy who “knew where I might stay” and could get me weed too, wtf I was in a nice movie right, no he did have weed and proceeded to get me in at a crack house where I was broke in about an hour, yeah even in the early 90’s 100 bucks didn’t go far. Needless to say, I was hooked and proceeded to hook. For those of you that know what I meant, I feel for you I truly do. For those that don’t, tough titties, ask me in an email I am not going to explain it here. That is the freedom of being a freelance writer and ass sometimes.
I can say that any addiction is only the handmaid to depression, it is the merely the spark to a long smoldering rage that over time builds to monumental and devastating levels.
Mine consumed me for many years and in the end, I found that there was never going to be an end to the bottoms of the bottles that I began to chase, nor was there anyway that you could get but so high from the choice of drugs that I was taking. It has taught me many things and those are the things that I am going to talk about, you see that is a gift that only one with depression can achieve. The reason for this is simple, depression becomes like the angry child, which eventually develops into the abusive spouse. After enough time the defeat of depression may never come, but depression gives you the very tools needed to stifle its effects. So, if for that reason alone, that is why I am grateful for my depression and as Harley Quinn says “I Own That Shit” I have indeed made depression the tool with which I can shape reality, and that is when you know that you have not overcome, but mastered it.
You see depression teaches us these things and for the sake of argument, don’t argue. It has taught me the ability to deal with adversity, for I have faced that and know that not everything will be the way that I want or expect it. I know that even if the results are not the ones that I had hoped for, they are the ones that I have and I will make them work in whatever way I need to. It has given me the strength to not only challenge the things that I don’t believe, but to stand strong through the challenges that poses. As I have said time and time again, I stand for my beliefs and there is no force on this earth that is going to make me break in the face of adversity. It is that strength that makes me different from those who do not know my friend depression. For where other fail, I will succeed. I don’t fear the competition because I am the competition.
It has taught me compassion. When life throws you a curve it is hard, but when it throws someone that you care about one it hurts. Through my own pain I understand that others are also in need at times, and that mine is not the only life that matters because in the end ALL lives matter. Whether you are poor or rich, black or white, male or female and so on and so forth. You see it doesn’t matter to me who you are, what walk of life you come from, or the color of the skin. To me you are a human, a friend, someone in need and that overturns any thoughts I may have held prior to that pivotal moment.
It has taught me that there is never an impossible feat only improbable ones, because it is only by my own admission that I will fail. There is the reasoning behind my motto “Dreams are just a reality that has yet to be perceived.” It has taught me that when someone says that I am not good enough to look at them and tell, not ask, BY WHOSE STANDARDS. It has taught me that if I am diligent and preserver, I will succeed at anything that I can conceive.
It has taught me the pain of rejection is easily replaced with the ability to accept, and that the only ones that are hurt by rejection are the ones that can not look past the person and the flaws to see the possibility. It has taught me that no matter who you are in this life, and no matter what road you travel there is always a way home. It has taught me that while I may not always agree with others that they are not always wrong. It has taught me in the end to be me.
You see those are the GIFTS that I was given through depression. Those are the things that I own, because in the end my depression sits in a dark cell in the farthest reaches of my mind and has the company of my darkest fears and rage. That is the life I have given it, and in return for those abilities that I have gained, I allow it the time to come forth and breathe for a short time, and a time that gets shorter each time that it surfaces. This is in the knowledge that the fight has long since been over and though it may seem that I carry the weight of the world most days, the truth could not be more different. I am a person that cares little for the ways of people that do not share similar qualities, yet I am the first who would step up to depend those with beliefs and lives that differ from mine.
For Myself, I know that this is a battle that many people in the world fight today. There are so many different people out there with the inability to cope yet, they have yet to suffer as some of us have. There are those that will begin the descent today as well as those who will become the masters of the very things that enslaved them. So, my greatest piece of advice, and only as someone who has seen the darkest depths of depression’s depravities, if you feel the need to vent do so, and if you need someone to talk with, do that as well. I am always here, and sometimes when that day is at the darkest always remember that this universe never left you helpless and you will always be worth it.
Also, to all those that have been through the same as others, it is our time to help, and though I know that this steps beyond what we believe are our abilities, this is not the case. We are the best equipped to deal with this demon on his terms because we have done it before. We are the warriors that will beat back the bad dreams and the sleepless nights, and win the day. This is not conceit that I say this with, but with conviction. I know in my heart that each and every single one of you that have battled this monster know the devastation and destruction that it can and will cause, and you are also the best suited to notice the signs of the attack. So, in the end if we want to defeat the darkness completely the last step is to not be the darkness, but instead be the light. It is our time to shine and rise farther than anyone or anything ever thought capable. I have seen this with mine own eyes and it is a glorious transformation, the weight that rises after will make you realize how truly remarkable and unstoppable you are.
Demons only come in the Darkness, but Dreams are forever and hold the power of a god.